Note to self.

As i sit here on my computer, i realize i am now entering a new stage in my life. Past few weeks been a little hard on me, I have felt like i wanna be isolated from everything and everyone. I just turned 20 about a month ago or so, and my teen years are far gone. I can't complain. my teens years were good. Not so much at the beginning but by the end of my teen years i met a few people who i now consider close to my heart.
I am getting ready to transition from teenager to young adult. I am ready to put it all in the past but not forgotten.
I am ready to reinvent myself and ready to improve many things in myself. But before i do that i want to reminisce on my teen years by showing some pictures. just a few











.

I can't sleep so I am writing.

"La costumbre es mas fuerte que el amor." - my momma

So I went out the other day shopping with my mother. We went to the new mall on the Bronx Terminal. I love it there. Went to Marshalls( great store to go to to find good stuff for cheap), copped a few things for my home and got my self a good pair of pillows that were on sale.

My best friend always complained when she slept over my house, how my pillows were not even pillows to begin with. They were already flat, with a coarse feeling to them, probably had a few stains from drooling( don't act as if you never drool, it happens) lumpy, etc. I on the other hand, thought they were great. But I listened to my bestfriend and got new pillows, because in reality it was time for new ones, I've had them for years now.

So here i am, with my new pillows and what can i say, i love them. They are truly great. They are fluffy, refined, soft, no stains on them, and even give me more support for my neck, they are good as new. But some how, i am having problems adjusting to them. And i find my self pushing my new pillows to the side while i sleep.
I actually miss my old flat pillows. I guess i was so used to them, that even when i got new better pillows, my body doesn't really care about it, but instead rejects it.

So this is what happens in life. Not only with pillows.

Sometimes is so hard to break a habit even when you know is bad for you or you know you could have something better. We see this from everyday experiences such as the lifestyle we live, which might not be good for us but we still do it because its just a habit. Also in relationships we may have, ( you're not sure if you love this person anymore, but you still together because you're so used to them being there.) etc. I am sure a lot of us can relate to this in many different ways.
My issue is wit a pillow and i guess Mami was right.

What should I do?

-get my old pillows (which i didn't get rid of, because i knew something like this would happen) or continue to try out my new pillows, and see how it might go in the long run?

no se. solo es un pensamiento... el cual no me deja dormir.

4:18 am East

Best I Ever Had

Boy, was that song played a lot this summer...And luckily i had the perfect person to fit that song to.
I'm referring my best friend/ media naranja.


What would we do without each other?
Our friendship is not ordinary. You won't understand it. Only we know what goes on and how we deal with each other.

What i can say is that we're there for each other. When we disagree, when we don't speak, when we argue, when we finish each other sentence, when we know each other more than any other.
as we both grow more things change more ppl will come in and out of our lives, more boys will come and go...etc
one thing that wont change is our friendship.

Random Thoughts, but maybe not so random.

So I'm obviously not a blogger...hmmm

So it's been a while since i posted something perhaps anything. A lot been going on and nothing at all at the same time. Summer is now gone and the fall approaches. I had a quick overview of my summer. I can't complain i had a good one. After the spring semester was gone and done with i flew to Puerto Rico where i spent 10 days. It was a good getaway which i needed. I was a bit nervous about leaving. It was the first time i was going to be away from home on my own. Definitely had lots of fun unforgettable nights. I learned a lot about my self and others.
.
El moro in Viejo San Juan

After Puerto Rico i came back to reality. I spent the rest my summer unemployed but not unproductive! I can say I pretty much began taking more care of myself now that i didn't have a job . You spend so much time during the year working and going to school, that you forget to focus on your health and your well being. Not to mention i gained 20lbs in the past 6 months.

That's why this summer I' spend it working out and eating healthier. And although I didn't get the results i was hoping for i feel happy with the way i am and how i look.

As the fall and the cold breeze approaches is now time to take out the hoodies, light jackets and kicks and that extra cover to sleep at night. Which also reminds me how I wish i had that significant other by my side to warm those cold winter nights.
Its sad to say its hard to find that nowadays.

I was having this conversation wit my best friend today about boys of course. We just don't get it. How does one young, intelligent, funny, not mention, good looking girl, is single in New York? it seems as if everyday possibilities of finding that significant other gets more difficult and more narrow. maybe it is true what they say, there are three types of males out there: the ones who are gay, the ones who screw ya and the rest don't know how to screw you.

Where's the happy ending in that??

And sometimes you find this one guy, that makes you think that all of the above is not true; That there is hope in this world full of madness. You forget about all the wrongs you had in the past and you smile again and you feel as if you probably can give LOVE another chance. but what happens, we always want more. and as we expect more, the less we get.
All i really want is someone to cuddle with and eat ice cream with. Is it hard to find? Am i asking for too much?

I don't know. Perhaps what I've been dealing with is boys, not Men. I do have hope that there are MEN out there that have a lot to offer. A Man i can feel secure with. I'm done dealing with BOYS who don't know what they want.

As for now, I'm done dating and dealing with the whole, " he hasn't text me, or called me, why?"
I'm gonna focus in school and other more important relationships in my life. When the real man is ready to deal with a woman like my self he will come.
Mean while, I'll ride with the best friend and the other good close ones.


Boat Ride

Algo esta cambiando

"No se ve pero siento que hay en mi algo esta cambiando." - Julieta Venegas


It was never my intention to change my personality or become the person that I am today. In fact I was happy with myself and my life. That is, until I got out the bubble that I had subconsciously created around me.I am at the core a good person, and I try to avoid hurting others. But I can't seem to evolve to the next state of being because I spend far too much time trying to please others. I never thought about the relationship with myself;working on my character and what I want it to be.I realized I lacked in so many things and even felt insecure at times. I guess thats why I always felt like I needed some one there, to make me feel like I'm worth having but now I feel like I don't need anyone to tell me how great I can be.

I KNOW I AM NOT ALONE ON THIS.

I have spent most of my teenage years, going from relationship to relationship, so when one didn't work out, I moved to the next. Each one of them creating the person that I am today. Its been a while since the last time I remember being SINGLE ( like 4 years) and I must say I feel better than ever. I began to find myself: the things I was interested in, the personality I've always been too shy to express, the group of friends who would expand my mind with new exciting things. And I've finally become comfortable with the idea of being by myself.

That is why I've made it my mission to stay single for a while, not only to hinder being in a relationship but to allow myself (mind and spirit) to grow infinitely, without anyone or anything being in the way.

And so I will begin the best, possibly strangest years of my life.


Dedicated to my best friend Bruja and my Jessica For always being there and loving me unconditionally.
To my lover Giselle, for introducing me to the other side of the game.
To all my X's ( Augusto, Ralphy, José, Chris). Thanks for the memories. You guys play a big part in the outcome of all this. It would've not been possible without you guys.
and to anyone who has in some way made me think differently about things to help me better myself.


Con esto me despido,
-Carolina, o mejor dicho, Mercedes